Prompt #4

I covered my window with a sheet tonight to prevent distraction while I try to sow my mind shut with threads and threads of closing thoughts and prayers. My mind is a like a bingo-ball-roller. She spins and spins until something comes out. Then she matches it to something else, then that thought is over. Then she spins again and again until something else comes out. Then she matches is to something else, then the thought is over again, and the cycle continues. She does this every night. It is probably because my mind likes to trick and manipulate me, and slap me in the face and poke my brains until I can become content with all my thoughts. I am well aware of her best intentions, however, her ways of approaching them need a little, for lack of a better word, coaching. What she doesn't realize is that complete happiness will take time, and will not be healed in a night, but she doesn't care, well because, my mind, she's actually quite the bitch. That being said, my nights, they usually go a little something like this:

Me: (inhale..exhale) Let's go to bed. Is that alright? 

Mind: Oh, yes. Absolutely. It has been a long day. 

Me: You can say that again. 

Mind: It has been a long day. 

Me: No, not literally, I was agreeing with you. Lets just sleep, please?

Mind: Oh yes, I forgot. Sorry. 

Me: Finally. 

(Just a few moments of silence) 

Mind: I wonder where dad is right now. Ya think he's doing alright? Maybe we should call. 

Me: "No Response" 

Mind: Sorry, Sorry, lets go to bed. 

Me: Yeah, he's alright, I think. Let's call tomorrow. I bet he is sleeping. 

Mind: No! Its pretty early, and if he is out of the county it is even earlier. 

Me: It depends on what country is it, it could be earlier, could be later. And is he? Out of the country that is. 

Mind: He didn't tell me. 

Me: He would have said something, obviously.

Mind: Yeah, you're probably right. Night. 

Me: Goodnight. 

Mind: I think you're right. You know about, what's that called?

Me: Timezones? 

Mind: Yes, those things. What time is it is Turkey? Is he there? He was there a few weeks ago, right?

Me: I dont remember, we will call tomorrow. Can we please, just focus on sleeping.

Mind: Yes. 

(Just a few moments of silence..and my thoughts fade) 

Mind: Did you ever call the car insurance people back? They have been riding us like a bull. "Do this, do that, call me then, call me now, send an email, send a claim, and blah blah blah." You think they would get the memo to shut the hell up already, huh?

Me: Oh, yeah. I need to call them tomorrow, remind me to call tomorrow. You promise? 

Mind: Promise. 

Me: Thanks. (Inhale.Exhale.Repeat) 

(Some more silence) 

Mind: Wouldn't it be scary if there was a strange man staring in your window right now? 

Me: Why would you even bring that up? 

Mind: I don't know what else to think about. 

Me: How about falling asleep. 

Mind: Oh yes, happy thoughts. 

Me: Now I am scared. 

Mind: Of what?

Me: Of what? Of a man, staring into my window, plotting ways to take me away and steel my identity and take all my belongings and kill my...

Mind: Stop! Stop! don't think about that! It would never happen. Are you crazy? 

Me: Are you? you brought it up, not me. 

Mind: Sorry, are you angry? I am just trying to help you sleep. 

Me: Just shut up, you are not helping. And you are right, it would never happen. 

(The last interrupted silence) 

Mind: You are sitting on your bed, with roses, and bunnies, and all the things you love. 

Me: okay. 

Mind: Now, am I helping? 

Me: sureeeeee. (slurred due to complete exhaustion) 

Mind: Yes, okay, goodnight. I will not speak again. I promise. Just one last thing, okay?

Me: Quickly. 

Mind: Everything is going to be alright, you hear me? Everything will work out. I can promise you that all your stress is going to fade as these months grow older. Each episode of upset will always end with something great. You hear me? You are the most wonderful person I know. I love you, Izz. 

Me: Love you too...

My last internal Prayer: Dear you, please let all of the people I love, be happy, healthy and safe. Please let all of my fathers flights take off, travel and land safely. Please let me, be me.